Your spouse cheated, and your emotions and heart are devastated. Every negative thought possible seems to be running through your head as you realize you’re married to a cheater—something you may have thought you’d never have to deal with.
You know that being married is a partnership, and you may want to carry some of the blame for your spouse’s affair.
Don’t go there.
Your responsibility comes now, In this blog, we’ll look at 3 key responsibilities you have now as you try to pick up the pieces of your life and consider
What Responsibility You Hold for the Affair
As a responsible adult who wants to save their marriage, it can be very tempting to want to pitch in and own up to some responsibility for the affair occurring.
No matter what the problems were in your marriage prior to the affair, the cheating trigger was pulled by the cheater, not you. A cheater made this decision, and you had no say in it. If your spouse had come to you prior, you certainly wouldn’t have given the green light. No, you would have asked for time to work on the problems in the marriage, because cheating certainly never solved any of those.
Accept responsibility for your share of the problems within the marriage, but not for the affair itself: you hold zero responsibility for that. The decision to cheat rests squarely on your spouse. And it didn’t fix the problems in the marriage, but made a hundred-fold greater set of problems than what you started out with, including a devastating blow to your inner self as the victim of their actions.
But right now, before you can have the strength and capacity to work on saving and rebuilding your marriage, your responsibility first and foremost is to save and rebuild yourself.
Don’t doubt for a minute the blow that you have sustained from learning of your spouse’s infidelity. It can be mentally and emotionally crippling, and affect your physical health as well.
Your responsibility is to help yourself work through this extremely difficult, challenging time. Without entrenching and taking this time for yourself, you won’t be in a position to help anyone else—let alone save your marriage. You need to work on the self-recriminations, self-doubts, loss of self-respect and love you have for yourself.
Your self-esteem has really suffered, no doubt, from learning that your spouse was able to have an intimate relationship with anyone other than you. This knowledge can make you feel wanting, as if there is something “wrong” with you that your spouse could ever contemplate an affair, let alone go through with it and commit the casino online infidelity.
Your Top Responsibilities After The Affair
Responsibility 1: Assume Personal Responsibility
This may be quite obvious, but here’s a reminder: this is your life, and your life is your responsibility. You make your life what you want it to be, according to your wishes, dreams and desires. It is within your power and within your dignity, and no one can take this away from you—not even a cheating spouse.
You wish the affair never happened and gutted you the way that it has. But it’s what you do now that really matters to learn what you can from this horror and move forward with your life.
Responsibility 2: Accept Reality
Just because you assume personal responsibility doesn’t mean you will now be able to instantly make everything all better. Accept the reality of the circumstances you find yourself in today, complete with complex emotions, feelings and thoughts that aren’t necessarily under your control at the moment.
You will still need to work through those emotions and stop the slew of nightmare images. This is normal to go through this process, painful as it is. It is also a way of expressing personal responsibility: facing what you are dealing with today, and working with it.
Responsibility 3: Do Things that Satisfy You
How much fun have you had lately? Prior to the affair, many victims say that actually, their life had been one long list of responsibilities—there was no fun.
Bravo for taking care of your responsibilities, but this also ties back into personal responsibility: you deserve fun. It’s not selfish to want to do things that fulfill you emotionally and spiritually, things that bring you truly alive. This may have been a major problem in your marriage prior to the affair: you forgot, as a couple, how to have fun, but also how to do so individually.
Take the time now to rediscover—or discover anew—what will bring you personal fulfillment. It may be hard at the moment, as you’re suffering post-affair, to think you’ll ever be able to smile, let alone laugh, again. But make the effort, and give yourself permission to be fully the person that you are.
Recovery from the cheating (affair) can take a while. But if you are both willing to work on your marriage recovery, then it can happen.