Post Affair Marriage Recovery – Why?

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Do You Really Want Your Marriage To Be Like It Was Before The Cheating?

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Your wife is cheating, now what?

So, let’s start with where most people begin.  I want my marriage to be the same as it was before the cheating.  And that questions.  Do you ever want it to be the same as it was before?

“I just wish it could go back to the way it used to be. We were so happy before he cheated. I loved our marriage. And despite what he says, I think he did too. We had so much fun together. I wonder if we’ll ever feel that way again .

Do you think our marriage will ever be the same? Can’t we just go back to how it was before the affair?”

You Don’t Want to Go Back to How it Was!

Let me tell you why.

If your marriage was in such great shape to begin with, how likely is it you would be facing the problems you are dealing with right now?

Pretty unlikely, right?

If you have followed my writing for any time at all, you will realize that I consider it a well-established fact that the cheater and the cheater alone is responsible for the affair. It is not your fault that this happened.

However, if your marriage was a good as it could possibly be, it seems to me much more unlikely that your spouse would have made such a painful choice.

So why would you want to go back to a time in your marriage when you were inadvertently setting yourself up to be where you are right now? Why would you choose to go back to how it was before the cheating if how it was before the affair might have given your spouse the justification or motivation that lead to the affair in the first place?

Here’s the truth: You don’t want your marriage to be the same as it was before the affair.

I’m sure there were times in your past as a couple when you were giddy with happiness and excitement. I imagine that you had evenings of wonderful romance and you cherished memories of the profound sense of safety and peace that came in what you thought was a well-functioning marriage.

But to romanticize this past and ignore what it ultimately lead to (the cheating) is not going to take you where you need to go if you want to heal your marriage. Believing that everything would be okay if you just went back to how things were before the affair is a fantasy-one that does not serve you well.

Besides, it isn’t possible anyway. We can’t go back in life we can only go forward. The past is in the past. The real question isn’t whether or not you can go back to the way things were, it’s: How do you want things to be in the future? What kind of marriage do you want to create in the years to come?

This is what you need to be thinking about.

Cheating Spouses

Marriage And Love Can Return If You Both Work At It.

To put the point bluntly, your marriage will never be the same as it once was. That’s a simple reality. The cheating has irrevocably altered the course of your marriage and your life.

It can’t be taken back, you can’t pretend it didn’t happen (well, you can, but where will it get you?), and imagining that your life or your marriage will somehow end up unaffected by the affair in the long run is a bit naive.

In fact, you will never forget the affair.

If you work to heal your marriage, it probably won’t haunt you as it does now; you can get to a place where the memories and the pain move to the back of your mind and only arise on rare, even very rare occasions, but you can’t remove the event from your memory no matter how much you try.

What you can do (and I have seen this happen over and over again despite how unbelievable it sounds on the surface) is make your marriage better than it has ever been. You can get to a place where you experience more happiness, more safety, more honesty, and more love than you did before the cheating began.

In fact, you can use the affair as a means to catapult you to this better-than-ever marriage if you know how. Couples, when they first hear this, often have a difficult time believing that this much improvement is possible.

However, I am an eye-witness to watching couples who do the necessary work to heal their marriages actually bring about the needed changes and then turn the marriage into a relationship that is better than ever.

These successful couples are happy. They feel safe with each other. They have love.

What more could you want?

To get there, you have to abandon the notion that you are going to go back to how it was before the affair. Then, you can commit to the work necessary to make your marriage far better in the future.

Once you make this cognitive leap and realize that deep down what you want is a better marriage right now and every day for the rest of your life, then you can start working to make it happen.

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