Suspicion Could Be Eating You Alive. Suspicion regarding the affair, if not confronted can ruin your marriage as well as your health. Lets work with these feelings as you work on healing and surviving affair trauma.
So you no longer trust your spouse while you are also working on surviving affair trauma. He or she cheated, and every time they leave the house, you wonder whether they’re contacting the paramour or telling the truth.
Your spouse is late coming home, doesn’t answer their phone, or takes up a new hobby—and you experience a series of images that flash through your mind like a horror film. And suspicion begins to raise it’s ugly head again.
Help With Coping And Justifying Suspicion
Surviving affair trauma takes time and effort. When you have suffered from an affair, these images and suspicions are an unfortunate but absolutely natural outcome. You have been lied to, and you can’t help but wonder whether anything your spouse says or does is honest.
You may have guilt for even being this suspicious, imagining that your feelings are wrong or unjustified. You may worry that “it’s all in your head” and that you are only creating more problems in your marriage by having these thoughts.
Most people who are injured by an affair will have feelings of suspicion after the affair. Often such feelings continue well after the cheater makes positive changes in an effort to save your marriage.
Feeling suspicious is a natural reaction to being betrayed and learning how to cope with these feelings is a critical part of the healing process.
If you learn how to utilize your suspicions for the good, they can help you make another step on your journey to recovery instead of adding more stress to your marriage.
Here is what I recommend you do: Use your suspicion emotion for good to zero in on problems in your marriage that must be addressed.
The key to overcoming your suspicions is not to bury them away. Instead, you need to learn to use your suspicious feelings as a positive force in your healing process. You need to look at your suspicions instead of deny them.
You can do this by creating a “suspicion filter” for yourself. Use this mental filter to help you sort through your suspicious feelings before you act on them. Your mental filter will help you draw a line between suspicions that probably aren’t realistic and those that are.
Use your mental filter to catch unrealistic suspicions so you can let them go without addressing them, freeing your mind from those feelings and images.
Suspicions that make it through your filter should be discussed with your spouse as soon as practicable. Ideally, you will share your feelings and together come up with potential solutions so you can lay those suspicions to rest.
3 Tips for Healing Through Use of Suspicion Filter
Anytime a suspicious feeling comes up, the first thing you want to do is become your most rational adult self and look at the situation through that lens.
For example, if you call your spouse at the office and he or she doesn’t answer immediately, consider the likelihood that he or she is up to no good. Maybe your spouse is simply on another call? Or in the middle of a meeting? Is there a looming deadline that needs to be met, and your spouse simply turned off the phone to focus?
Tip #2: Be Wary of Questionable Behavior
There may be cases where you take the rational, adult perspective and recognize suspicious behavior for what it is: suspicious. This is any behavior that could potentially lead to some serious problems in your marriage, such as winking at an attractive person of the opposite sex or flirting with the wait staff.
The issue is not that your spouse is going to have an affair with that particular person, but is still inviting flirtations. If he does this when you are around, what might he do when you are not? Character is about what you do when no one is looking and when you think you won’t get caught.
In situations like this you need to discuss your feelings with your spouse and understand how each of you feels about and thinks about flirting—or whatever the suspicious behavior is. Then, you can talk to each other about possible solutions.
Tip #3: Give Your Spouse the Benefit of the Doubt—Within Limits
You want to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt within reasonable limits.
If you have seen real change in your cheating spouse, then it may be time to let some of your feelings go after thinking through the situation. Developing a suspicion filter will help you do that by allowing you to think about your suspicious feelings instead of feeling them first or trying to bury them or shut them away.
When you’re pretty sure the scenario you are imagining is improbable, give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. This helps you reinvest in your marriage.